Drowning 

I am drowning. Drowning, drowning in front of everyone and no one sees it.

I have been sinking. Sinking for years and years and they all ignore it. I wonder if I let go all the way this time, who breathes the sigh of relief ? Me, them or all of us?

Forgive me for the outbursts. When asked, “what’s wrong?” I don’t believe there’s a drop of sincerity in that question  because when trying to explain  I get a cold “You’re not the only one”. So, sorry my conditioned response “it doesn’t matter”, doesn’t satisfy your fragile ego. Let your ego bask in the glory of knowing, you are one reason why.

I am a ghost of the phantom, of the shell of the person I used to be. Even then that person was only ever half awake.

So now here I am, everything, but dead. A clapboard zombie if you will. Full of dark and hollow emotion because I can see how much I am a burden to all. Before you cry out how untrue that statment is, please remember your actions have always spoke louder and clearer than resigned “of course nots”.

The self loathing I carry will always be greater than the burden you think I lay upon you. 

I don’t believe in god, but I’ve prayed to god. This cruel humor he has, making me the butt of all his jokes. Now I pray every night for peace, to not see the light of the next day, because I have learnt I  cannot change the fundamental truth of who I am.

Lets be honest who I am isn’t good enough for you or me.

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